Well, I was expecting it sometime, but just not expecting the full brunt of the emotional onslaught that would ensue.

As a professional software and hardware engineer in a male dominated field, I have understood the male dominance role in engineering for a long time…though I never agreed with the precept…male engineers know what they’re talking about and female engineers don’t!  I was in the wrong camp for a long time and never really put the gender shoe on the other foot as you would say it.

Well, today, Karma visited Angie!  I got dissed, condescended to, talked down to, and dismissed as a silly blond female engineer that didn’t know what she was talking about and she just needs to be trained by the ‘big boys’ that know what’s going on.  This from members of the engineering team that don’t see me all the time and suddenly see and treat me as a female at work.

Now for years, while in the ‘boys’ camp, I followed the engineering golden rule that the sexes stick together and get the other guy before he gets you.  I was ‘gotten’ today and not only did it NOT feel good, it struck a cord deep inside and the pain runs deep.

I had to do a presentation of some serious embedded firmware problems that I thought were serious enough to ‘stop shippment’ of the primary new release of software.  The main SW engineer, an east Indian, very talented, but very prejudiced and controller of women, put on a show to put anyone to shame that suggested that his algorithms would be bad for the customer.

Now, in the past (when I was a boy), I would have passionately and intensely not put up with this behavior and defended my engineering stance to the point of death!  But, as a woman concentrating on getting her responses and attitudes in line with a feminine professional that practices tact, poise, and graciousness, I held my tongue, and kept the air of feminine professionalism to squelch any negative comment at the onset.

BUT, the internal pain was excrutiating! I started crying during the meeting and was able to suppress it long enough to get done with the meeting and run to the bathroom to ball for almost an hour and try to calm the pain in my stomach and soul.  I didn’t want to finish out the day at work.  I didn’t want to see anyone,…I just wanted to crawl in bed and cry myself to sleep.  Well, I didn’t.

I finished out the day (although somewhat subdued) and tried to make sense of it all.  It took me until the next day to feel somewhat normal and positive again.  I am so sorry to every single woman on the planet that I may have done this type of behavior towards.  Down right sobering.

My point is this: Every transwoman will go thru MANY of these types of experiences from before she starts transitioning and throughout her life.  Many of these experiences will be first time gigs, almost like puberty or entering teenage years.  Even though it seems like we’re mature adults, please, all you CIS folks out there, please try to understand that these first moments that bring on such tremendous emotions for us that we are experiencing it for the first time and we don’t need anymore weight other than what we have to deal with.

I’m not asking or saying that we need to be treated with kid gloves, but just maybe that when you listen, you try to remember what it was like your first time and try not to pour anything else on us during this time…we’re dealing…but please keep the drama to yourself till we get these new emotions dealt with…thank you from every transwoman out there!

Just little ol’ Angie, casual on an afternoon in Pacific NW